r a n d o m .

if i had a MAN all this stressing wouldnt bee happening ,
my time would bee O C C U P I E D & i would have someone to comfort me . . .

but im ALL BADD right now ;

• my fam isnt tryning to bee of much help . .
  
• my health is s l o w l y progressing . . .
• im FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE . . .

& it seems as if i have NO LUCK in finding a job . . .

everything seems to bee going wrong , at thee wrong time & bck to bck for me .

they say p . u . s . h ( pray until something happens ) but i see no progress ,
not saying tht god isnt doing his job but im worried he doesnt hear my cryy . . .

The Pain Behind My Smile.

Its gotten to the point that I don't wanna hide the pain ANYMORE!
Everyone wants to know what's wrong but aren't trying to help...
Why ask?

I've truly just sat back & let everything just r i d e...I'm tired of doing that!
Maybe I should just speed up time...
I'm not getting any younger & I would hate to keep living in my mother's house!

The migraines keep coming back because...
I'm thinking , crying & being overwhelmed with the unthinkable!
My life has started to c r u m b l e these past couple of months , right before my eyes...

My health is alright but I keep praying for better...
I came home so I wouldn't have to do this alone but...I still am.
I wonder if I'm getting BETTER or WORSE?!

Over the years we have been through a lot , as a family...
It seems as if I can't do ANYTHING right now & its killing me!
I just wish a lot of things were different...


& I will continue to pray that things can & will get better...in time & with GOD.

Out with thee OLD & in with thee NEW.

Things seem to be trying to work themselves out. I've moved back to Pflugerville and making plans to start working, going to school in the summer and possibly finding someone to occupy my free time ; no ready for a committed relationship yet because I do still love Darwin. We are now 2 hours away but I still feel like we could at least still be friends. Making sure I get better physically is all I am really worried about. I am still abstinent and have been for going on 4 months now; can you say self control? Lol. I don't think I'm going to miss much about Houston but some of the people I met that were [ authentic ], rather than "show and tell friends". My GPA sucked but I am very smart; lost focus is all. I'll be turning 19 this month and I'm really excited and blessed to be seeing yet another year; god's not finish with me yet! Lol. Just got back here (in Pflugerville) last night and I'm already on top of things; putting in job apps and emailing important people about school. 2010 is just starting to me and I am going to make the best of it!

I see a myself t r a n s f o r m i n g into such a beautiful young lady, inside and out. My choice in music has somewhat changed, my style in clothing, I'm really considering not to get any tattoos and I wanna attend both church and bible study; I wanna continue to grow the right way, with a better knowledge of who Christ is. Despite my sickness, I try to stay optimistic and keep the smile that I was blessed with on my face. I wish my brother was here to witness this in the flesh but I know he is watching over and protecting me from harm right along with the angels God has assigned to me. Until next time . . . be blessed.

From Here On Out . . .

It has been brought to me that the medical condition that has been bestowed upon me is far more serious than I would have liked to assume. Many surgeries would have to been done and honestly, how will I be able to focus in school with this news now? Yeah, the end of the semester is near but I am already bad off so a month and a half wouldn't help me even a little bit. Not only am I wanting to withdraw from being social - deactivating my Facebook and stop using Twitter, but I am moving back home to Pflugerville, asap. I may be leaving someone I have come to love but we'll only be a 2hr. drive away. Its not I'm leaving behind friends because I seem to have been "tricked" that I had found a friend in a few people here when I really didn't. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wish I could come and say what is going on; you would think my peers would be more mature but they can't hold cold water even if GOD asked them to. I honestly can't surround myself around this immaturity any longer on top of my medical condition; that's too big of a load to handle.

I plan to move back into my mother's house, attend a Summer Mini-Mester at Austin Community College's Northridge campus and change my major to Business Admin.I don't wanna stop but a few months off can help me cope with how I can get well, physically and mentally. My motivation seems to have disappeared on me and I am simply trying to relocate it and make sure that I will be ready to go for July 8th into a Mini-Mester; I will not give up on going to school. From here on out I've got to take better care of myself, more than I thought was taking care of myself; just because I was eating didn't mean I was getting all my nutrients. I've let not only myself down with school this semester but my mother as well and it is going to be fixed asap. No more looking for companionship; I'm looking for stability and a better life pleasing to god . . .